say their names.

nigel.

tyrell.

blake.

jamel. 

i wonder if they know 

that they prepared us to be fighters

that their sticks and their stones

taught us to dare fight the fire. 

i wonder if they know

that we turn broken glass to glitter

that every wave to crash our boat

teaches us how to master rivers. 

if they ever learned how we survive

freedom would finally stand a rare chance

‘cause they’d see the magic that we design

from the soil tilled with our bare hands.

if they ever learned how we stay alive

they might just let go of a little power

‘cause they’d see how it feeds our might

our talent to turn years out of a few hours. 

see, beyonce finds solace

by singing “heaven couldn’t wait for you”

but heaven can wait just a damn minute

when we’ve been patient with days so cruel. 

‘cause nigel was 15

and tyrell was only 20

when they decided their time here was over

they’ve suffered enough and they’ve suffered plenty. 

and blake was 18

and jamel was only 9 

when waking again just ached like hell

and sleeping forever maybe was fine. 

don’t you know the world chews us up

and then the world spits us out

the world’s vernacular comes from our ancestors

but you won’t ever credit their style.

don’t you know we make magic from madness

that we name all of the colors

the world takes after the fashion

of our royal queer and trans mothers. 

we are the holy descendants

we have the armor of brown skin

we are the angels with no heaven 

we are the angels with no wings. 

say their names.

nigel.

tyrell.

blake.

jamel. 

try pushing your chips in and bet them all on me. 

you could never. 

try diving headfirst, carrying my world on your shoulders. 

you could never. 

try inheriting a child born from the starting point of my line of failed relationships, with readiness. 

you could never. 

try donning grace amidst the skepticism around your sincerity because of my poisoned love history. 

you could never. 

try earning a keep ‘cause my heart has been a revolving door. 

you could never. 

try making your place in all of my rooms with no space. 

you could never. 

try being, not just a wallflower, but a gracious wallflower when you’re pushed to the periphery of any concern when my baggage begins to burst at the seams. 

you could never. 

try being, not just a partner, but a steward for all of my troubles when the half-assed dam of a boundary that i draw around us is struck by a flood that takes you under, too. 

you could never. 

you could never. 

‘cause you could never be me. 

so how ‘bout just try. 

how ‘bout just try putting yourself second, sometimes. 

how ‘bout just try making me a priority, sometimes. 

how ‘bout just try showing up not all of the time, or even most of the time, just some of the time, that it matters. 

how ‘bout just try seeing me without my commanding your eyes to look into my heart, to know me, sometimes. 

how ‘bout just try following through not even on your word, just the spoken promises, sometimes. 

how ‘bout just try holding yourself accountable to the bar of loving fair, not even great, just fair, and meeting it. 

could you ever. 

could you ever. 

could you ever fight for us as hard as you defend your own ego. 

could you ever protect my heart the way you insulate your pride. 

could you ever value my time, not only because time is short, but because i am valuable. 

could you ever love me, not just because i love you, but simply because i am worth loving.